Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Here I am. I'm writing.

So here I am getting ready to go to bed for the night and trying to think of what I should write about.  Sometimes I may not have much to say but I am going to try my best to write something at least once a day. I need to get my writing chops back.  When I went to the writing workshop a few weeks ago ... see that post HERE .... I realized that the reason I could not think of a thing to write when we were given the two exercises is because I have not been writing and thus, just drew blanks!  So I promised myself I would begin writing again ... even if no one ever sees it.  I think one of the reasons I enjoyed being at the University so much many years ago was because I had deadlines I had to meet with all my papers.  I so miss academia and writing papers ... doing the research and pulling all the research together into a decent paper.  One of my biggest regrets is that I did not continue on to grad school after getting my B.A.   I still kick myself over that one many times.  But ... I just have to try to move forward with my life now and do the best I can do with what I have left myself with.  I may not be able to go to grad school but I CAN write.  I just have to commit to it and follow through.

How did I end up 54 years old?    When did that happen????    Yikes!

I have to confess something.  I am jealous ... okay envious would be a better word.  I am envious of Lena Dunham.  What is she ... 27 years old?????   She has accomplished so much at such a young age.  And, yes, I am envious.  She has accomplished everything I SAID I was going to accomplish.  Ever since I was old enough to write, I fancied myself ... a writer.  And yet, I would let life jerk me around in many different directions ... taking me away from what I should have focused on.  And I truly despise myself sometimes for doing the whole self-sabotage thing and doing that to myself.  Having an ADHD brain has not helped.  Not having anyone encouraging my creativity while I was growing up didn't help either.  In fact, having someone who squashed my creativity when I was growing up didn't help.  BUT ..... I have to take ownership for not having figured out how to encourage myself and how to overcome all of the pooh-poohing of my ideas as I grew up.   Others have grown up in a household where they were never encouraged and mostly discouraged and yet they still seem to have managed to fulfill their dreams.  Anyway, this is not supposed to be a pity party.  This is me reminding myself that I am responsible for myself.  I am responsible for encouraging myself now and for getting it together enough to actually finally write every day no matter what.  So here I am.  I'm writing.

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