Saturday, March 16, 2013

Dreamer vs. Realist (can you become a combination of both?)

 I am trying so hard to keep to some kind of routine ... I always prided myself on being a gypsy type of person ... always moving ... rebelling against routine ... for me, this was probably not always a good idea.  Some people can live that lifestyle and still maintain some semblance of "being together" in the midst of their creative chaotic endeavors.  I do not believe I ever was able to do that.  My life eventually became completely unmanageable which is a huge symptom of a need for a big change and not a change that amounts to "changing seats on the Titanic".   Finally just a couple of years ago I came to the conclusion that what I needed, especially with a very chaotic and active ADHD brain, was routine and serenity and security. I had already figured out that clutter around me created even more clutter in my brain and I tried to purge things.  It is hard because I like pretty things around me as well.   I just have to be more selective.  I moved to Vermont two years ago to be near my grandkids and my son.  My son and daughter-in-law were kind enough to offer for me to come out and live with them for 1/2 a year while I worked on my health and finding work here.  Slowly, I got better and I got a part-time job for a while eventually finding a full-time job that is secure and working with really nice people. I work for a small law firm less than a half mile from where I live.  I eventually met the love of my life and I live with him in his home that he has lived in for 30 years.  I am slowly putting my stamp on it and he and the house are feeling like home now.  Because I have an ADHD brain and because I am at my core a "dreamer", I think a lot about a lot of things at the same time and make BIG ambitious plans.  I am working very hard to start thinking more realistically about some things.  When I think of decorating it turns into major renovation projects. My brain can just go wild with these thoughts.  This is GOOD for a writer.  I could write all kinds of crazy dreams.  BUT, in real life, I am trying very hard to limit my project dreaming to projects I might actually be able to accomplish.  In my head I have totally renovated our kitchen.  I even renovate my son's kitchen in my head.  I even renovate anybody's kitchen or rooms in their homes in my head as well as the rooms in my own home.  My brain just goes crazy that way.    BUT, again, I am working very hard to try not to do that!  It is truly a waste of brain energy and time that could be going into actually DOING smaller projects that are actually accomplishable.  Also, I am beginning small routines and changing one bad habit at a time rather than dreaming that I can change into a completely new person over night.   This beginning routines has been challenging in another way in that it really brings out some OCD tendencies in me.  But I like them.  I rearranged all my spices recently.  I rearranged all my canned goods recently.  I am beginning to be more obsessed with organizing things and for everything to have a place and for things to look similar.  An example would be that I am collecting baby food jars.  My plan is to spray paint the lids with chalkboard paint and to put all my spices in this baby food jars in my cabinet so that all the spice containers are alike.  I actually love this type of thinking.  Luckily, for me, my boyfriend has OCD tendencies as well so although he is not quite into everything matching he understands my beginning to need this more.  I know I sound a bit crazy right now.  But, in truth, I really like that I am getting a little more OCD.  I think that as I gain more control of my surroundings, the more chance I have of gaining control of my willpower problems in exercising and eating.  I feel eventually, I will be more apt to be in control of what I eat and if I exercise.  These are two things that I have the most problem with in my life and they are so important to my being able to live a long life.  If I do not get these two things under control then my chances of having a long healthy life dim somewhat.  Okay, well I am going to go now and visit the local thrift store and see if I can find any of the items on my list of things I need.   I plan to plant some seeds today and begin my herb garden as well as begin some seeds for my veggie garden I plan to have this year.  I planned to last year but I was not working full time yet and so really had no money to do much of anything.  I will try to post pics!  For now the picture you see here is more of my dream than my actuality at this point.

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