Monday, February 25, 2013

I promised myself ...

Okay, so I promised myself I would try to write something each day here.  I don't want this to be a blog about what I did that particular day.  I want it to be full of information and hope and inspiration.  So I'll try.  

I used to journal.  Off and on which is my usual life of inconsistency.  A few years ago I was going through several journals that I had written in over many years.  I threw them all away.  Why?  I realized that I was going through the same crap over and over again just in different forms.  I was not learning it seemed - not learning from my various mistakes.  Sure, sometimes I would learn and make a change for the better but it seemed that day when I sat down and looked through those journals that a big part of my life was spent making the same mistakes over and over again and seemingly gaining no clues on how to change that pattern.
There was a song I heard not too long ago. (My boyfriend has an amazing collection of CD of wonderful singer/songwriters).  It hit home with me because although I didn't burn my journals, I put them all in a black garbage bag and threw them in the trash.  Let me see if I can remember how it went.  I can't remember exactly how it went but I remember it was about burning his journals.  Let me see if I can find it on youtube.  Hold on.



Well here is a not very good recording of it ... but this is it!!!  

David Dondero - Journal Burning Party

Here are the lyrics:

well the party's no fun if you're not drinking
and the bar is no fun if you're flyin' straight
sittin' in the corner with a pen and paper
like a journalist with a deadline date.
got an old suitcase full of journals,
and i used to try to use them as a reference point.
now i kinda realize that i run in circles,
run in circles with a black ballpoint.
well, i've got an idea, if you wanna try it.
meet me in the yard by the barbeque pit.
we can take everything that we've ever written,
make a great big pile and take a match to it.
we'll have a journal-burning party.
we'll get a clean slate, honey,
at the journal-burning party.
see, we'll write it down and then we'll burn it up.
we're going page for page
up into flames.
march 28, 1993.
those words mean nothing to me.
november 5th, 1994.
i don't wanna read it no more.
you see, i tried to reflect,
it just made me depressed.
so let's have a journal burning party.
we'll get a clean slate, honey.
come on.
i always wanted to write a song
and say "come on",
so come on.
come on.
all right.
come on.
come on.
come on.
come on.
come on.


That song so resonates with me.  So here I am at 54 years old - gosh I'll be 55 in July!  And I'm still trying to figure out what it means to grow up and be responsible.  

When I moved here, I was so sick of the gypsyesque lifestyle that I had been leaving pretty much all of my adult life.  READ:  Leading a life of impulsive life changes and compulsive / impulsive self-sabotaging but also pretty interesting sometimes life.  I so was looking for more simplicity, stability, security.  When I first met Gary, I was so intrigued that he had been working at the same job for 17 years and had owned his own home for 30 years!  Wow.  And, as I've gotten to know him and fallen in love with him and realized I had found my soulmate, I realize just what an amazing man he is.  I am going to start a book about his life.  He is a true success story:  crazy horrible childhood - leading to drug and alcohol use - leading to a life as a major drug dealer - leading to prison - leading to recognizing he no longer wanted this lifestyle and wanted to go straight - leading to becoming a daily runner and reader of books - leading to getting out of prison and continuing his daily running and reading of books and giving up his previous lifestyle completely and forever - which meant losing all of his so-called "friends" - which led to finding a job that he still works at and also led to some lonely times but also a time of self-reflection and finding himself.  It really is an amazing story of someone who did change - who did manage to turn his life around into something much more positive and productive.  He recently had 20 years clean and sober.  I was so proud of and for him.  It was a true milestone for him.  

I think I'm going to add a TAB called Gary's Life Story or something ... and start writing some blog posts about his life that maybe one day I can turn into a book!  ... :-)

Yes, I do still dream big.  I'm working on pulling my life together enough that maybe I can really realize a dream or two more ... :-)

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